23 posts tagged “god stuff”
In about five days, the province I live in is holding an election to fill up our legislature again. I think I've decided for whom I'll vote, but I feel like it's a lesser of evils; I just can't find the right combo of party policy, leadership qualities and representative acumen. I'm starting to get rather depressed about it.
However, for me, this election cycle has a lot less to do with who we send back to represent us and more to do with deciding how we do that in the future. Along with casting ballots, we're also being asked to decide whether or not we want to change our electoral system from the current first-past-the-post system. It's called the Single Transferable Vote (STV) and is a form of proportional representation (used in many, many European counties) with our form being almost identical to that of Ireland.
I've done a lot of reading on the subject from both sides of the argument. I recognize fully that there will be some not-so-great possibilities, but no worse that what we currently face and have decided that, in the balance, I think this electoral process is a good one and should be used here. I feel like it would result in a legislature far more representative (truly) than our current system. And I feel very strongly about this.
The 'yes' side to this debate has a lot of work to do. It has to work against inertia. STV isn't as obvious to people and it requires people take time to be educated. It's far harder to effect change; people choose the path of least resistance and, given the time I've spent talking to different people and reading the letters to the editor and the sound bites on TV, I'm don't think that education is really happening. No, I'm not saying that just because someone disagrees with me that they aren't educated on the subject. What I am hearing, however, are a lot of statements made against the system, but when questioned further, they don't actually know how or even why those statements are or aren't true. (There's a lot of misinformation out there, too.)
Essentially, I'll be surprised if the referendum passes because I believe that people will take the path of least resistance and embrace the devil the know (so to speak.)
And this really, really, bums me out. I get depressed and frusterated. Chris gets angry.
Last week while talking about democracy and politics, we realized that we're getting pretty riled about it. We had to take a moment to realize that, though not insignificant, we can't let politics dictate our own attitudes and focus and response to life. God is still God regardless of who governs, regardless of our electoral system. Life marches on.
That thought calms me, encourages me.
And then the things of life happen around me: Joyful things. Painful things. People get sick and injured. People make poor choices. People make good ones. Lives change unimaginably in a moment. Suddenly I'm praying like I've been given new wind. Life is marching on. My mind swirls. People become more important again. Politics fade a bit.
I'll still vote next week. I'll continue to ask that others do, too. It is still significant, after all. And though I may be disappointed (intertia, remember?) I can be assured that God hasn't changed, that people are imprortant and that joy can be found in a lot of places.
This year, Chris and I decided to leave the church we had made home for the last three years. The decision and process was difficult and tearful. Not wanting to influence those within or those without, or be influenced ourselves, we chose to keep our struggles primarily to ourselves, excepting our pastor and a friend or two who lived out of our city. (I didn't even share with you, my vox-hood, excepting comments to vague references about decision-making and isolation. How were you to know?) The decision to leave or not was also complicated by the fact that we've always believed that commitment to a local church body is important. We had to ask ourselves – did we have legitimate concerns, or were we just being flakes?
For months we prayed and wondered, talked and listened. Or we'd go for weeks without mentioning it at all. We had to sift through the issues and concerns. We had to figure out what things were important, and what things were just important to us. We had to winnow and sift and figure out what our problem was. And we sought God's hand in the whole thing. In fact, I prayed for a neon sign of sorts – clear direction. We never got it.
But in all of this, I learned.
I learned anew that God goes with us and that sometimes figuring out 'God's will' in our lives means just making a choice.
I learned more about my husband and our relationship. Things have gone well for us over the last years – steady work, a more than adequate home, two kids, supportive friends and family - so we hadn't really had the need to evaluate a lot of things in our lives. Conflict and uncertainty caused us to talk and search our hearts together like we hadn't had to in awhile. I appreciate our partnership and the way we respect one another that much more.
I learned that what is important for us in a church can shift and change. I learned that I can fellowship and support a church body quite comfortably without agreeing to every point of doctrine held by the leadership and its congregates. It's hubris to think that God can't be working in a place simply because it doesn't look like my idea of a good church or because one's theology isn't what I think it should be.
Church, as we're taught, isn't just about people, it is people. It's easy for me to forget that these days. Whether we meet in the same place or not, we need each other. How else can we show love, one for another and thereby show ourselves to be followers and lovers of Christ.
[I know it's been awhile since I began this series here and here, but I've found it has taken me time to sort and write and time is at a premium for me most days. Truly, I could use a room of my own!]
Growing up as a Christian, finding my own faith, I developed an interest in gender roles in Christendom, especially for women. As I married and now have kids, the relevance of being a godly wife and mother increased. Naturally, one would expect the reading on the topic to do so would, too.
However, this year, I learned that spending lots of time examining my behaviour (or role) as a wife and mom isn't profitable or beneficial for me.
Although as I mentioned, it's a topic that has interested me, lately I've found it is a subject that no longer has a hold on me. Being a “good wife” or a “good mother” no longer occupies my mind, nor do I feel the need for it to do so. In fact, I've found it has bound me more than released me; it has taken too much mental time and energy for very little gain. I've found myself more wound up than instructed, enlightened or released.
This does not mean I ignore those facets of myself, but instead of pursing those specific qualities claimed by the books, the theologians, or the internets, that epitomize Christen femininity or womanhood, I feel free simply pursuing being a child of a loving, just, and perfect God.
My focus now lies in presenting myself before God as a beautiful creature of the creator, allowing him to show me how to be completely myself. I want God to show me how the be the best me, and in that process I expect to be become the person I am because of him and that will lead me to be the best wife for my husband, mother to my kids, friend to my friends.
After all, I have the life of Jesus Christ within me to live this life.
I am made in God's image.
I am a new creation.
I am of value.
Jessica, a child of God.
Bah/Sad.
- Those vox-friends who have, for a variety of reasons, put down their voxing pens. I miss you. I don't blame you at all, I just miss you.
- Waking up at night. How often? Often enough.
- Chris took a plane ride to work today, leaving before 6 am and won't be home until around 10 pm.
- Really, really hoping I'm not going to have to take out a chunk of the fingerless gloves I've been knitting. I think I've goofed, but I'm too scared to go take a closer look.
- I think I'm actually getting bigger. [Currently resisting urge to just crawl under my duvet with frustration. Suppose I should go to the gym.]
Yay!
- Obama's inauguration today.
- Poetry at the inauguration!
- Gus is enjoying day care and I'm enjoying the time with Peaches.
- Peaches is having some looong naps these days. Woo hoo!
- Cool stuff from my swaps and groups: funky homemade envelopes, pretty stars, buttons & beads.
- Learned how to do a knit cast on mid-row. Thanks, Mom.
- Coffee.
- Getting caught up on my reads in GoogleReader.
- InternetMonk. Love it. My only difficulty is the sheer volume he manages to produce. I have trouble keeping up, but when I do take the time, I'm encouraged.
- Encouraging times of fellowship. Real fellowship, not the kind when the word is used to describe 'hanging out at a potluck in the church basement.' Though this kind did include wine and prawns, or ice cream with fruit. It's the kind of fellowship where people share struggles and hopes and passions and disappointments and are met with hope, encouragement, prayers, thought-provoking questions and the understanding that we can all come to God together with all our stuff. The good kind.
I don't write a lot about my faith here. It's not something I mention much to folks who don't share my faith and I think I don't do it a lot even with those who do. There are different reasons for this, but part of it is that I find it difficult to articulate what I'm thinking/feeling/processing some days. Other days I just find it hard to be honest. With others. With myself. With God.
I'm hoping to change that. Hoping.
I know that writing about and explaining to others my understanding and experiences helps me to figure out what I do understand and what my experiences may mean to me, what God is showing me. My faith is important to me, so why not use this little bit of interweb space to start? I'll start small. And maybe stay small.
But I'll start.
Now.
Last week was tough for me for a variety of reasons, none of them of serious consequence or great significance. Just stuff.
And there I was, at home, feeling like I had no one to talk to, to be with, to help pull me out of my funk, who would understand where I was coming from.
Please don't get me wrong, especially those friends and family who know me in the non-vox reality. I love you and know you love me and are there for me. I even called one or two of you. But you can't be all here and you can't be all things to me at all times.
No, that's God's job.
Back at home. I'd just had a good phone call but the encouragement magic is wearing off. I'm sitting on my couch staring out the window. I'm wishing the baby could sleep well anywhere (not just in her cradle) and that Gus's nose would stop running so we could be out and about. But then, I'm not even sure what I'd want to do. I'm a malcontent. I'm agitated and restless and depressed.
And in that space I realize how fragile I am.
I realize how easily I can fold, dissolve, be rendered useless. I see myself as being held together by fibers that are wearing thin, that have water soaking through, ready to fall apart. Quickly. And I'm about to fall through.
And in that moment, I know, once again, how much I needed to talk to God and allow myself to be comforted by him, not just know it through the kind words of others. If I do call him Lord in my life, I'd better act like it. If he is God, and I am his child, I should be talking to him, resting there, not just on the couch.
It still took me until the weekend to come to God. I'm a bit of a dolt that way.
He's pulling me out of the miry clay, though I seem to insist on wallowing. But I feel that the rock - it's there. So is the song.
The fibers are being restitched. God is here.
I wonder...
... why Peaches had such a long nap this morning (2 1/2 hours!).
... what was said at Rideau Hall this morning.
... why the Bloc is being demonized.
... if I can keep a food journal.
... how many fruit stickers end up in composts.
... if fruit stickers are even biodegradable.
... why Gus suddenly wants to nap with his shirt off.
... if the forecasted snow will stay.
... what's on the table on January 27th.
... what I'm getting for Christmas.
... if I'm going to even enjoy the next book club selection.
... if I can produce a half decent running stitch.
... if I'm shallow.
... about the grace given me in Christ Jesus - it seems beyond my grasp.
and
... if that's ok.
I'm using the Friday the Thirteen model to play catch up. Here goes.
1. Vox has been doing funny things when I compose. When I try to delete a picture, it instead begins deleting the most recently written characters, among other things. Vox help was, in fact, helpful (Thank you, Lauren) and it turns out Vox doesn't officially support the version of Firefox I'd been using, so I'm using Explorer today. It was just too depressing to make 2-3 posts just to eventually lose them. Anyway, now I know.
2. Peaches is growing: she's getting all chubby with multiple chins. Go breast-milk go! Though my husband says he won't consider her really chubby until she has a roll somewhere between her
wrist and elbow like Gus did when he was little!
3. Chris went back to work last week giving me my first taste of life for the next several months with Gus and Peaches. Tricky is a word to describe it. Difficult is another. But I think we'll make it.
4. Last week I got sick - achy, sore throat, general malaise. It didn't help my confidence in my ability to cope. But then...
5. ... My friend Breezy came to visit! How wonderful it was to spend time with her, to have a friend always on hand to talk. We crammed a lot into her 4 day visit. She is also a great baby-rocker.
6. Besides being a great converstaionalist, Breezy also cooked for us: Spinach and Apple Tart with Onion Confit, Greek Red Lentil Soup, Chicken Soup with Spinach and Lemon. Some of it is gone, but the soup is ready and waiting in the freezer.
7. Speaking of freezer food, we're only just know finishing up the week's worth of frozen entrees (not to mention the fresh dinners) that friends have blessed us with. Seriously folks, if you're wondering how to help out a family with a newborn, food is a fantastic way to go. I've loved that the only thing I've had to think about is how early to put the casserole in the oven!
8. I made cultured salsa with tomatoes from our garden, courtesy of a recipe posted here. Yummy.
9. I read a book about de-cluttering. Now I'm really motivated to work on our house, especially as I'll be spending more time here. It's not like it's a too-much-stuff zone, actually, I think we're pretty good about paring back now and again, but I feel like I'd like to do better. The thing is, this is the worst time for me to do it - when I'm trying to nap and juggle regular chores and the kidlets - and I really, really need to let go of any expectations. Who takes on major re-organization projects when they're babe is only 5 weeks old?!
10. Peaches loves to be held. In fact, I think she needs to be if we're going to maintain some sanity around here. And funnily enough, it's hard to get other things done around the house when you've got a mini-me in your arms. Therefore, I'm getting a new baby carrier. We have an ergo which is fine, but I don't find it great for my littl'un (even with the infant insert) and while I'm sure I'll use it more as Peaches gets bigger, I want something else for now. I'm looking at both a sling or a wrap, and right now I'll leaning towards the wrap. I tried one on at a friend's place this evening and it's worked great for her. Later this week I'll try on a sling and see how I feel. Any good babywearing advice out there?
11. I've decided to make some lists of things to do everyday, or at least attempt to do. Some things will be must-dos: read my bible (even just a little), meditate/pray, exercise (even if it's just a few sit-ups), and get in touch with someone. The other lists will be chores - daily, weekly and monthly. This is courtesy of that de-cluttering book I mentioned. It'll be good to have things written down, and I can always adjust things as my routine becomes, well, just that - a routine!
12. I've been finally feeling like I can get out again and see folks, or have them over. It's a good thing for me. I need that in my life.
13. I've been learning that people are valuable. God has granted us infinte value and worth, as demonstrated through the death of his son, Jesus - God made flesh - God who is eternal. Therefore I need to show the grace I've been given, value people more: my family and friends, sure, but also the casheir at the checkout, the person who asks for spare change, the librarian, my neighbour with the motorbike. For each person is, as a friend reminded me this week, a beautiful creation, worth more than the ocean view or a sunset. What does demonstrating a recognition of that worth look like? Thoughts?
Some in my neighbourhood take advantage of Self-Portrait Thursday and this is one time I thought I would, too. It was easiest to take it into the mirror than trying to set up the timer anywhere. Most turned out fuzzy. One of the reasons I like this shot is because it happens to have Gus looking into the empty cradle. This morning we cleared out his stuffed animals together, which were transferred to a big blue bin as we've been telling him we'd be doing that for a while now. It's been one change that we've mentioned that he's really caught on to!
Overall, my sleeping has improved immensely, excepting the last 2 nights. And last night I was kept awake by a babe who thought midnight was the perfect time to engage in calisthenics and then I had some Braxton Hicks contractions on top of that. As much as the babe coming now would be fine, our parents are busy with their lives and if we wait even a few more days, I'll be able to have a lot more help with Gus here at home when we need to be at the hospital. Sure, I have gracious friends in town who would be willing to take him, but most have either lots of kids or little space. And I guess with all the changes coming his way, I'm thinking it would be less stressful for Gus if he could just be at home where he's comfortable instead of sleeping in a brand new place without his parents.
Some anxiety has returned to me these last couple of days. Primarily it has to do with not being prepared if labour suddenly moves quickly, much like it did last time. So I'm plugging away, doing what I can do for now: getting numbers of his colleagues at work in case C. is on a 2 hour conference call or in a meeting when I need him, packing what I can for now, tidying, organizing, resting.
C. has been reminding me through small things lately that God knows our needs; he won't fail us. Through the challenges and through the easy times. It's taken some time for that truth to sink in, so absorbed am I in the details. But it's starting to get to my heart... slowly.
A Few of My Favourite Things:
(right now, anyway.)
- Friends coming to town to visit.
- Blueberries and strawberries with cream.
- A good sleep through the night.
- Dinner ideas for the next few nights.
- Cooler weather.
- Nap time.
That said, I'm also tired and feeling emotional. I'm totally blaming those last stage pregnancy hormones on this one, mostly.
I've also got a "trying-to-discern-God's-will" thing going on. It's been going on for months; at times it can be emotionally and mentally draining and, just recently, it's started to show in relationships. I am so very, very glad that C. and I are on the same page with this one... we just don't know exactly what page that is! And as to the next step, I think it's be a tough haul no matter what happens. I think it may just come down to one of those things where God says, "Hey, I love you and I'm with you wherever you go. Now make a decision." You know what I mean?
[sighs]
To finish on an upper: In order to allow him some stall-time before nap-time, Gus and I have taken to having 'cuddle time' on the couch. Usually this means he lies on his end of the couch and me on mine, but it can be fun. And here's some shots to prove it.
This origially started as a description alongside other books I'd been reading, but the more I typed, the more I realized it should just be on it's own.
This book was a re-read for me. I first read it in university about 8 years ago. At the time, it not only came recommended, but praised to high heaven so I was a bit skeptical going into it as to whether or not it deserved said praise. However, even with my high expectations, I was wonderfully pleased to be impressed. The book gave me much to consider and a great perspective. It did so again on my second read through.
First, I was refreshed by the concept that grace is, in some ways, 'scandalous' - after all, grace, by
definition, is unfair - getting what you don't deserve. Yet we wouldn't want to live in a world without
it. While it caused me to reflect on the grace that I receive from God through Christ, I was more proded to consider how graceful I am, or more often, not, toward others. I need to ask myself: What do I expect from others before I am willing to love them, nay, even notice them?
And I find I'm not a particularly grace-full person.
Another topic raised for me as I read was legalism, that is, the attitude or actions that dictate one must do something or earn their way to be right with God. Legalism opposes grace, which can also been defined as unmerited favour. I wrote a couple of weeks ago briefly about my vacation being a time or prayer and searching. During that time, I realized that many of the verses that spoke to me the strongest were ones about avoiding legalism in my life. It's a topic that seems to come up for me with renewed force every couple of years. In the past, God has pointed to areas in my life that I treated legalistically. For example, feeling like I was being a hypocrite being at church because I hadn't really spent any time with God during the week. Essentially, that attitude assumed that in order to come to God, to be right with God, I had to have done something (in this case, spend more time with God through prayer, reading my bible, etc.) during the week. And again, that attitude defies grace. (Don't get me wrong, those things are in an of themselves legalistic, but my attitude that I MUST do them to be right with God, was.)
This time, as I look at some changes happening in our lives, I think my 'legalism lessons' have not been so much about cautioning me about being legalistic myself, but to encourage me not to be ensnared by legalism imposed from the outside. That is, I need to know and remember that I have much freedom in Christ and my life is to be lived on his terms, not on the terms placed by others - whatever the perceived "Christian" or "biblical" way is at the time on whatever the latest 'hot-button' issue is. Legalism should have no place in my life and I need to beware that I don't fall under the yoke of others.
After all, it is for freedom that Christ set us free. And that is grace.
